Feeling Unstable! The Change May Be Near!

Why is it that When I try to do right everything goes wrong? When I don't care everything goes right? I try so hard to be who I know I should be. But the dark side is the side that comes out on top. I continually question myself. I continually ask, why? I know the better side, however the better side is stuck with a perpetual dick in my hands. I mind my own business the cops are on my ass. People I trust turn on me. I want to do right but the wrong side wins. When I do nothing wrong, when I act like I should, when I act like a normal citizen, when I do all I can to be right... FUCK! I get a figurative cock up my ass, I get handcuffs on my wrist, I spend days locked away, I spend months asking why? I lose my desperate optimism, I lose my freedom, I lose my hope, I lose so much... Fuck, I feel EMO and I hate that term, I want to strike back, I want to go back! Should I give in? Should I go back? There was once a time I looked at life as a true Capitalist. I took what I wanted, I did what I could and I made money without thought, I hated on those that I sold to, I was the Tobacco Industry! I gave what they wanted and told them how stupid they were but still they came back for more. I ask myself every day, "Why be nice? Why give a shit? Why not make every penny I can?" The only thing keeping me from being the absolute beast I once was is my love. What if that fails to keep me safe? I have been doing right, I have been being safe. Now I am facing 40 years over something I didn't even do!!! There is a rat trying to save his own ass. Correction, there are 2 rats both guilty as guilty can be trying to pen their shit on me! I have only done what I had to do. They did what they wanted to do. This is the time the dark side of me kicks in. I am not talking about some Jedi bull shit!!! I am talking about real life, I have a bull shit wanna be Gangsta (from Connecticut, the whitest state ever, bull shit fake ass pussy bitch) and a spoiled kid from back country Georgia (Winder, home of meth addicts and spoiled rich kids, which he is both) saying I did the crimes they are responsible for. I know they are responsible because I once, not even a month ago, considered them friends. Huge mistake on my part. By no means am I innocent of guilt in my past, a good few years ago. I have done my fair share of drugs. Hell, if it came my way for free, I did it. This is the true other side of me. I did not care what I did to myself. I have tried all of the following; Speed, Ice, Hard, Soft, Green, E, Sid, OC, HC, Coffins, Special K... Let me stop the list there. But trust me it goes on much longer. I have been guilty of things I never thought I would do. I have stolen, I have robbed, I have cheated, I have lied, I have ran, I have... Once again I am going to stop myself there! I am not the man I thought I would be. Hell,I am not even close. If you would have asked me in 5th grade if I would have done any of what I just mentioned I would be mortified at the possibility! I am a dark, twisted, abused, lonely, worried, honestly scared, hate filled and disgusted man. However, almost every person that has ever known me would say, I am incapable of such acts and thoughts. WHAT? IS? WRONG? WITH? ME? I am, as I have said, two men in one. I like to think I am not the man I once was. However, current events pull me down a much darker path than ever I saw myself taking, even at my worst. A rat deserves to die like a rat. Painfully and slow with the final blows being my own hands taking their life stretching there last moments out in excruciating agony. I have more respect for the animal (a rat) then I do for a NARC!!!! DEATH, PAIN, GORE, and AGONY!!!!!! Snitches Get Stitches or End Up In Ditches!