Not Good Enough....Today

   Sometimes, when the wolf comes out, I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Words are spoken, and fights are usually had. At these times, in these moments, I feel that I am not good enough. I start to think if I were better, I could understand more and there would be no fighting. But, no matter how I change my tone or manner of speaking it is like fighting a brick wall. The best thing for me to do seems to be nodding and keeping silent as much as I can. This works only in keeping the yelling out of the conversation and for the wolf to leave for a while so I can curl up in a ball and let the tears come. I feel like there is something I should do or say to stop what is happening but I can't think of anything.

   When the wolf is tucked away in the back of my mind I always convince myself that things will stay good for a time. Sometimes this works and others it is obvious I'm lying to myself. But when its just me and him I don't know how to be scared of anything. I can't keep from smiling and everything seems so worthwhile.

   I guess it can't be helped that I am so in love with a man who has two sides. I love and fear him in equal parts and while some disagree I just find it to be normal. I am lucky, in my opinion, he doesn't hit me or curse at me. He makes me laugh and smile. I know he will never leave me and he works hard to keep things on track and keep us afloat. I love this man, this wolf, with all of my heart. Hopefully there will a limited number of posts from me, the love, about the darker side f this man that I love. But no matter which I write about it will all be honest because I promised him they would be. And I keep my promises...always.